Inquiry Into Values

Alma creativa is in its last stage of publishing!

It’s not a mystery that our deepest ingrained values are what guide us in our life quests. Sometimes, often, we are not even aware of what those values are, while at the same time we act based on the deep beliefs that we acquired so early in our lives that we can’t even see how they impact every decision and action we take.

I grew up shaped by values that seem to contrast and even oppose the person say I want to be. For example, to be an artist, I must believe in myself as a businessperson. Coming from families that valued a regular, preferably government job as the best route to a stable life, I often find myself torn between what I aspire to be and what my inner programming dictates.

It’s a great limitation I see in myself, and one that I was never fully conscious I faced.

As an artist, I know many creative people who would also love to live creating, and live from their creativity. Or at least balance their time better between work for money and work for their soul.

This leads me to ask: What do we want? How do people who have achieved it do it?

But we continue to be guided by those values that work in the background of our aspirations and dreams, and that block our flow toward that ideal life we are almost able to envision.

How can we apply these question within our own deeper values, those same values that are probably working against us?

I should know!

The truth is, I was one of those people who achieved her dream, in my previous life. And how did I do it? I secured the base, then became really brave.

But what made me brave, I have to accept, was looking death in the face. When I was diagnosed with cancer at 31 years old, I realized that time was limited. So I did everything I could to both survive and be happy.

And that’s why I quit my full time job and became an artist, working as a teaching artist for about 1 hour per day to keep money flowing. Looking back, I was living in grace. Each element of that moment in my life supported my decision to pursue my dream. I was paid really well for that 1 hours of work. I had a base that my regular full time work had funded and was funding me. I had made friends in those early stages of transition when I created Mixta Gallery in the first floor of my building. I had that just right and elusive combination of still innocent youth fortified with experience, knowledge and inner freedom. I had people, a community, faith in myself without realizing what it was.

And then, I lost my house, my studio and my grounding, and soon I was back where I started. I have asked myself, why didn’t I just continue to pursue business? Why didn’t I come up with better ideas? Why did I choose to go get a job? And the inevitable answer is that my programming kicked in, and I was lost to it until the stress lowered enough for me to be able to breath. Until last year.

And that was because, deeply within me, there’s a programming that kicks in when stress takes over. It’s what my mom and dad would have done. It’s what my grandmother would have applauded. It’s what makes my people proud, even if it sometimes makes me embarrassed. I can see it clearly now, but it’s so hard to break up with this program that makes up my history and inner structure.

To top things off, my grandfather was a great creative. He was a singer and musician. He recorded records and wrote songs. He was a jíbaro trovador known and played in the countryside velloneras. And I have always gotten the feeling that he was perceived as lazy. He would quit jobs, he would be moving around Guayanilla and New Jersey, and not truly support his family. He died really young. Younger than I am now. Just this little story informs my own story a great deal. I don’t want to be perceived as lazy. I don’t want to move around. I don’t want to abandon my family or die young.

My grandfather probably didn’t understand himself, but I understand my grandfather, the inner struggle he must have been living. The freedom vs responsibility conflict that I feel myself.

And yet… I know the formula to beat the programming: a clear and amazing vision, the steps to achieve the goal, and the clarity of feeling that is so attractive that it beats any minor obstacle in the path.

(Considering how attractive my bed or sofa are at the end of the day, I need to visualize the grandest vision of all…)

Part of the vision is repairing the traditional antique rocking chairs that my dad acquired. My friend Walde got to work this week creating this beautiful transformation. He replaced the wicker portions and polished and varnished the wood. The piece almost came apart in the process, so he reinforced so it will last for another couple of decades.

It took me a while, but I now have the base rebuilt: my studio is alive. I’m working, slowly but continuously, on rebuilding and creating a new body of work.

This summer I’m taking a big step. I’m going to Puerto Rico for 2 weeks and I plan to refresh my house, transform some areas, and give shape to the template of what I want my artistic life to be in the (as near as possible) future.

To do:

1. Transform my house-studio in Puerto Rico into an even more creative and comfortable place to be

2. Presentation of Alma creativa (The Spanish version of Creative Soul) at La Casita de Ely in San German

3. A retreat with my friends/students where we will visit beautiful places and create an artwork inspired by the experience (developing this experience is a work in progress)

And because it’s what my soul wants, I can already feel the grace with which it is happening.

The programming is still a struggle. Plus I still have much to develop in the business side of things. But I claim my time as mine, and my life as my creation.

Because it’s not about what the workday does to us, but about what we do with the rest of life. Some time is for rest, and some is inevitably for obligations, but most importantly, we need to make sure that the best of our life is reserved for the work that nourishes our creative soul.